


Raise Me Up

by Carry_On_My_Assbutt



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Sad Ending, bye, fuck this website's way of italicizing, im gONNA THROW MYSELF INTO THE SUN, just tagging this stuff is making me depressed, really just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-03-08
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:22:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carry_On_My_Assbutt/pseuds/Carry_On_My_Assbutt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren tries to make Armin feel better, but ultimately things go awry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Raise Me Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blueeyeswhitedecim](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueeyeswhitedecim/gifts).



"Hey, are you here?" knocking on the door to the bathroom, the teen listened carefully for the sounds of his friend. "Hello?"

"Jus-just a second--I-- _shit_ \--" he rattled the doorknob, but it was locked. The sound of feet and clattering bathroom toiletries caused him to tug and shake the knob.

"The _door_ \--"

"I know, I know--just--" 

"Open the door!" There was a click as it unlocked, and he threw the door open, revealing a small, dimly lit bathroom. Soap and hairpins had scattered on the floor, and he saw a shattered cup lying in front of the sink. " _Shit_ , you--"

"I know. I got it." walking forward, he avoided stepping on the shards of pottery and knelt in front of his friend. He wanted to grab his friend's arm, but the other looked so small and so _guilty_ he didn't have the heart to. 

"How long?" he asked. "How long have you been in here."

"... a few minutes."

"Don't lie, I saw the tissues in the waste basket."

"..."

"How long, Armin?" Large blue eyes, wet with tears looked up through a head of messy blonde hair.

"Too long, Eren," his voice cracked, " _Too long_." 

...

Eren unrolled the bandages silently, staring at his hands as he worked. The silence was deafening, he could hear his own heart beating in his chest, could practically _hear_ Armin's tears falling onto his bare arm. They had done this countless times, but Armin still flinched when Eren gently grabbed his hand. The brunette said nothing as he wrapped Armin's wrist up to his forearm. 

"Marco called. He said Horse Face bought extra tickets for a concert, and invited us to go. What do you think? It'll be fun." The words sounded hollow even to his own ears. 

But still, Armin agreed.

...

The concert, in Eren's opinion, was a total wreck. Marco and Jean had arrived late, and they almost didn't make it in time, but when they made it to the stadium, some douche and his friends had taken their seats and refused to give them up, leaving them to scavenge for seats near the very back. The screen that hung above the stage wasn't exactly good at streaming things, they eventually had to cut the video because it kept freezing, so the four teens were left to squint at the tiny stage through thousands of other people. 

Halfway through, it started to rain, and they were forced to leave. Jean had suggested taking cover in a restaurant, but Armin said his arm began to itch, so he and Eren bid their goodbyes and left. On the way home, Armin almost had a breakdown, so Eren took him into a convenience store and hid themselves in the bathroom until he calmed down. 

By the time they got home, they were both soaked, in need of a bath, and Armin was on the brink of hysterics. Eren had to physically restrain the blonde from running into the kitchen or bathroom. Eventually, Armin broke down in Eren's arms again, and he had to carry him to the bedroom where the two lay on the covers, soaking the bed with water. 

It took two hours for Armin to settle down again, and Eren began to peel off the still soaking layers of clothes. He ripped a towel that was hanging on the back of a chair off and began to dry him, starting with his torso and legs, then his arms and hair. 

Even while his hair was slightly damp, Eren still felt better than he had a couple hours ago. 

"There's a record store near the café that I work at," Eren began, "and I thought we could go there to wind down a bit." He couldn't help but inwardly wince. _'God, I sound so desperate.'_

Armin agreed, but Eren knew he was eyeing the pair of safety scissors on the desk by the window. 

...

They ended up going three days later. The store wasn't very busy, but it wasn't completely empty, either. There were mostly young couples listening to songs together, and the occasional sharply dressed man or woman. "Hey, Armin, listen to this." Eren said, letting him take the pair of headphones he had been wearing. "What do you think? Do you like it?" Lately, it seemed as if he had been doing most of the talking, and what worried him the most is that Armin refused to tell him why he wouldn't talk. He had to almost half-drag Armin out of the house to get fresh air yesterday. 

"Mikasa called, she said we should get dinner together once she was free from work. We could take her to that Italian place we found earlier this month. Or maybe some place Asian, since she always talks about the food her mom used to make, what do you think?" Armin just shrugged. Eren bit the inside of his cheek. He just wanted to hear Armin's voice _once_ today. That was his goal. 

He got his wish when Armin tugged on his sleeve, holding out two CDs. Taking them, Eren looked at the covers. "You want me to chose?" Armin nodded. He wanted to turn them over, but Armin stopped him. "You want me to chose just based on the cover?" He nodded. "You know, there's a reason why people say don't judge a book by it's cover." Eren said, staring into Armin's large blue eyes. "...this one." He said, handing Armin the CD with a sunflower on the front, in front of a completely blue sky with a couple of large, fluffy clouds. Armin smiled.

"Thank you, Eren." 

It took all he had not to break down with joy inside the store. 

...

"Eren, can I borrow your microphone that you use to record videos?" 

"Hm? Yeah, but why?"

"It's a secret."

...

"Armin, you've been in the living room for about three hours. Are you sure I can't see what you're doing?" When he received no answer, Eren's instinct was to enter the room, but he was stopped by the sound of Armin's voice.

"Hold up, lemme just clean up." He waited outside, tapping a finger against his leg as he waited for Armin to open the door. He heard shuffling of papers and the clicking of the computer mouse, before the blonde emerged, carrying the computer under his arm. "Hey," he smiled slightly.

"Hey." Eren couldn't help a smile of his own, and he gently took Armin's hand and lead him into the kitchen for supper.

...

"I'm going out for work. Are you sure you don't want to come with me?" Eren asked. Armin nodded. 

"I've got to try to catch up on some paperwork I missed. If I finish I'll come visit you."

"If you need anything, call me." Eren said, squeezing Armin's hand slightly. The other male smiled. 

"I know."

"I want you to text me, Armin. If you don't, I might just ditch work and keep you company." Armin's smile widened slightly. 

"I won't forget to text you."

...

True to his word, Armin texted him almost every hour Eren was at work. Things like what he was doing and what happened at home. It was strange though, Eren thought. When he asked something like 'have you eaten today' the reply would be 'no, I didn't set the house on fire yet.' Thinking nothing of it, he continued on with his work. 

When he got home, though, everything collapsed before his eyes. He had opened the door and was immediately alarmed. The lights were off, and it was eerily quiet. Heart thudding in his chest, Eren walked quietly through the apartment, quietly calling out to his boyfriend. The last room he checked was the bedroom, and he threw open the door to the bathroom, but no one was there. He was about to call the police when he saw a soft glow from the bedroom. Eren wanted to turn on the lights, but his feet brought him to the desk, where Armin's computer was sitting. There was a file called "Click Me" already out, and so Eren clicked it and waited. 

The first few minutes were static, before the sound of someone adjusting what seemed like a pile of papers came on. 

_"R-right, is it working? Hello? I think it's working."_

Eren welcomed the sound of Armin's voice. 

_"Right uh, well, this is a message for Eren, cause I don't feel like leaving a text would be the same. Uh.. shit, how should I start uh... H-hold on."_

There were more rustling paper sounds, and Eren waited anxiously for Armin to continue speaking. 

_"A-ahem. Right, uh... E-Eren! I hope that's you listening to this, anyways. But then again, knowing you, you might have just run the second you saw the lights were off. Uh, right. So lately... I've been thinking and I know that the past few months have been hard. For the both of us. I know that I've been causing trouble a-and I know that you say it's okay, but I still feel like it's my fault."_

Eren wanted to shout at the computer and say it wasn't. It _wasn't_ Armin's fault at all, but instead he was forced to sit and wait.

_"I know I'm not very good at expressing myself but--"_

Eren's ears strained, but he heard what sounded like a hiccup. 

_"But just this once, I wanted to... to thank you properly for everything you've done."_

At this point, the audio cut, only to come back almost instantly. 

_"Here goes..."_

Armin sounded nervous, and Eren's nerves were on edge as he heard him clear his throat. Music began to play, and the brunette turned the volume on the computer all the way up.

_"When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;_  
 When troubles come and my heart burdened be;   
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,  
 Until you come and sit awhile with me.   

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
 You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;  
 I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;   
You raise me up... To more than I can be."  

Eren felt his eyes watering against his will, and he wiped them roughly away with his sleeves. 

  _"You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;   
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;  
 You raise me up... To more than I can be.  

_You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;   
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;  
 You raise me up... To more than I can be. 

   _You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;_  
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;  
 I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;  
 You raise me up... To more than I can be.  

_You raise me up... To more than I can be."_

Eren stood, nearly knocking the chair over, palms flat on the desk. "Armin, that was--!"

 _"I-I'm so.... so sorry, Eren..."_ Armin suddenly sobbed, causing the green-eyed teen to stop dead. _"I'm sorry, I tried to deal with the burdens, I tried to get better, I tried to do my best for you but... but... I...! I w-won't...!"_ Eren listened in horror as the sound of Armin breaking down in audio broke the silence of the apartment. 

_"I won't be around by the time you finish listening to this."_

Silence. Except for the soft sounds of Armin sobbing, Eren couldn't hear anything else. It's like the whole world just.... faded. 

"Armin... tell me... that isn't true..." Eren collapsed in the chair, staring with wide eyes at the screen. "You're still here, right, Armin? You'll come home and ay this was all a prank, won't you?" His hands reached forward, grasping the screen, shaking it. "Armin! You promised! You said that we'd grow up together and live in the same apartment and--" His voice cracked. "You said that we'd be the first to raise a family, even before Marco and Jean and Bert and Reiner! You said that we'd travel the world together! _We still haven't seen the oceans made of sand, Armin!_ " He cried, flinging himself away as if the computer would strike him at any moment. Racing out of the house, Eren tore through the front door, and began to run down all the streets he though Armin could have gone, all the while shouting his name.

He passed by the café he worked out, where he had first met Armin. He passed by the duck pond the two of them went on their first date, he passed the dinner he took him on the second and asked him out in front of everyone, he passed by a park where he had asked Armin to live with him and he passed...

...He passed the place where he had been planning to propose to him. In just several weeks, he had been planning to take Armin to a small alcove of the city they lived in, where a small private beach was. He would sneak them there, and even though Armin would be fretting about getting arrested, he would get down on one knee and--

But that was impossible now. It was something Eren had been planning since the beginning, and yet... Armin wasn't here anymore. Eventually, Eren ran to make his muscles numb and to make his lungs burn for air. He ran until his foot caught on a raised stone in the ground, where he tripped and didn't feel the pain of scraping his hands against the rough stones or feel the impact of falling. Instead, he lay there, clenching his hands into fists and teeth and releasing half screams and half sobs. He didn't even think that it was weird of the rain falling when it was the dry season. 

He lay there, clothes completely dry but his sleeves soaked and hands wet and salty, and screamed until his throat was raw and he could only choke out loud garbled sobs. 

"If only I had been there!" He slammed his fist once, twice into the ground, leaving marks of red on the ground, "if only I had been there for you, Armin! Armin!!" Raising his head, he screamed himself mute.

...

Two months later, he still kept everything the same. Armin's computer on the desk, the used coffee mugs on the table, the clothes in the closet. He kept everything the same because it felt as if Armin would disappear if he did. Night and day were torturous, and some nights he forced down half-raw foods and boiling water to compensate for the numbness of his body. He couldn't take it. 

It was approximately four days and two months when Mikasa returned to an empty apartment.


End file.
